What to do, what to do

I have been thinking about this blog lately and trying to figure out what, if anything, I want to do with it.  I haven’t posted in months and it seems to be collecting spam comments which is unpleasant.

I started this blog because I was in grad school and feeling tired, frustrated, unsupported, and in need of an outlet for my feelings.  I got that, plus I became part of an online community of women scientists.  It turns out that there are quite a few “disgruntled female grad student blogs” out there and this blog fit right in with them.  I enjoyed being a part of that community and it really and truly saved my sanity on more than one occasion.

However, I am no longer a disgruntled grad student (thank God) and so I’ve been thinking about closing up shop here.  The funny thing is, because this blog was so important to me for so long, I find myself quite emotionally attached to it.  I really don’t know how to let it go.  And yet, I really strongly feel that anything I might write here, now, just doesn’t fit in with what this blog has been about.  Thus my dilemma.

I am well aware that this is my blog and I can write anything I damn well please on it, no matter what the original intention of the blog.  But–and I really can’t explain why I feel this way–it seems wrong to suddenly turn it into a mommy blog and, for better or worse, being a mom is pretty much the focus of my life right now.  This isn’t to say I don’t do anything but be a mom 24/7 (I still have other interests and hobbies and friendships with people who are not moms).  It is simply that, for me, blogging is an opportunity to express my feelings about whatever I find challenging in my life and I have to say that being a mom is pretty challenging.  So, that is what I would write about if I were to start blogging again.

For quite some time now I have been considering starting a new blog, one that is more attuned to my current stage in life.  I haven’t done so because 1) I haven’t come up with a catchy name yet (don’t laugh; a good name is important and the inability to come up with a name for the blog reflects my inability to figure out what the focus would be) and 2) I’m trying to decide if I would like to be pseudonymous or blog under my own name.

At first, I thought I had no need/didn’t want to be pseudonymous.  After all, what would be the negative consequences of mommy blogging that could be ameliorated by being pseudonymous?  And, frankly, maintaining a pseudonym can get tiring if you are really trying to guard your identity.  But, the more I thought about it, the more I thought I might like to keep my pseudonym.  First, because I would like to be able to redirect anyone who still reads this blog and is wondering what the hell happened to me to the new blog.  Second, because I’m finding that parenting is way more controversial than being a disgruntled grad student.  Being a mom has somehow turned into a competitive sport.  And not a friendly one, like ultimate frisbee, either.  It’s more like rugby or World Cup soccer.  For instance, I know people who have had perfect strangers in the grocery store tell them that they are bad mothers, that they don’t love their children, that they are scarring their children for life.  Now, I know lots of grad students who have been told the scientific equivalent, but only when they were participating in the scientific process (in lab, at a conference, at a seminar, in a committee meeting, etc.) not when they were picking out produce.  As a grad student, you could be reasonably certain that you were safe from scientific attack if you were, say, at your knitting group or having dinner with your in-laws (unless they were scientists, I suppose), or just walking down the street minding your own business.  As a mom, you don’t have that luxury.  You can be, and often are, judged everywhere you go with your child in every venue by absolutely anyone you see.

Actually, now that I’ve written this post, I see that I would likely be happiest starting a new blog under my current pseudonym.  What, exactly, I would do with this blog is undecided.  I would like to leave it up in case my experiences would be useful to anyone else.  But, the spam commenting is bothersome.  I suppose I will either turn off comments or enable moderation for all comments.

It’s funny, I started this post wondering if I even wanted to keep blogging at all, given I have very little free time these days.  But, as I come to the end of this post, I find I am remembering how useful it is to get my thoughts down on “paper” and how the way forward can become clear if I write about the things that are troubling me.

Once I get the new blog set up, I will provide a link here to redirect anyone who is looking for me.

 

She’s here!

Introducing our little girl, born Dec. 5, 2011.  She weighed 6 lbs, 4 oz and was 18 in. long.  As you might guess from the last picture, after much drama, she arrived by C-section.  We are all very well.

 

In which there is “nothing wrong” but they keep me for testing anyway

So, I saw my doctor today.  The amniotic fluid levels had not changed, but I was able to convince her to put off the induction until Monday.  My cervix is actually effacing and dilating now (it hadn’t been before) so I’m hoping I just need a couple more days to go into labor on my own.

So, we went over to the hospital for my previously scheduled non-stress test.  This was at around 10:30 in the morning.  We left a little before 2:30.  The test is supposed to take 20-60 minutes.  In a non-stress test, they look for the baby’s heart rate to accelerate twice in a 20 minute period.  If, however, your baby is asleep, she might not move around that much and her heart rate might not accelerate as often as needed to meet the criteria of the test.  They will try to wake the baby up or they can do a contraction stress test in which they give you something to cause minor contractions and watch the baby’s heart rate in response to that (if her heart rate slows down after contractions, then that’s a problem).  Well.  Little Miss Whatsit might move (and her heart rate accelerate) twice in 20 minutes, but the acceleration wouldn’t last the 15 sec. or whatever to meet the criteria to count it.  Or, she might move twice and have a long enough acceleration in, say, 22 minutes which again doesn’t meet the criteria.  In the meantime, I was having contractions on my own and she did not respond negatively to any of them but I wouldn’t have 3 in 10 minutes, I might have 3 in 15 minutes.  So, again, didn’t exactly meet the criteria.  So, as the doctor and nurse repeatedly told me, there was nothing wrong with my baby, she just didn’t technically meet the criteria for “reactive.”  So, they kept monitoring me.

Now, as a scientist, I understand the necessity of creating a set of rigid criteria upon which to judge test results and discarding the ones that don’t meet the criteria.  But.  This was not a clinical study.  I was not part of any sort of experiment.  The purpose of the test(s) is to make sure that there is nothing wrong with the baby.  Therefore, if they can tell there is nothing wrong with the baby, who the hell cares if she doesn’t exactly meet the criteria?  I wasn’t going to lay around all day waiting for the baby to meet these criteria if she was fine.  So, I decided that, at 2:30, I was leaving whether she met the criteria or not.

At 2:25, the nurse came in and said the baby met the criteria and I could go.  She apologized profusely (she had been doing that all day, actually, and had been getting annoyed with my doctor, too) and I appreciated that even though it was my stupid doctor’s fault I was hooked up to a monitor for four hours for no good reason.

 

Still Pregnant

Not sure if anyone is still checking in on this blog, but I thought I’d drop by and give a little update, just in case someone really wants to know if I’ve had my baby yet.

The answer is no.

I will officially be 41 weeks tomorrow.  Little Miss Whatsit has her own schedule that I am not privy to.    Unfortunately, my amniotic fluid levels have been low and if they haven’t improved by tomorrow, my doctor wants to induce.  I hear that doctors always want to induce you if you go past due, but at least she has a medical excuse.  So, tomorrow morning I will find out if we are going to speed things along or just keep allowing them to unfold in their own time.  I’m of two minds about it, actually.  I think that, in most cases, women and babies would be better off waiting until they were ready.  But, I’m getting a little tired of being “on call” as it were.  I’m not horribly uncomfortable or anything; I feel like I could stay pregnant a little longer without going out of my mind.  I actually feel better now than I did in the first two trimesters.  It’s just the waiting with no real notion of when things are going to start happening that’s getting on my nerves.  That, and all of the doctor’s appointments.  I see my doctor twice a week and starting this week, I’m supposed to be getting non-stress tests twice a week.  I had one on Monday and everything was great.  If we don’t schedule an induction, I have another one tomorrow after my doctor’s appointment.

In other news, I got an email from a journal today notifying me that I have been listed as a co-author on a paper that was submitted to them.  It appears to be my thesis paper and I am first author.  It would have been nice if Advisor had sent me an email about it.

 

We don’t need a damn dresser

Phone conversation between Husband and his mother:

DH:  This weekend, we ordered a crib.

MIL:  Oh!  I want to buy you the matching dresser/changing table.

DH:  Actually, we already have a dresser for the baby.  It was Mrs Whatsit’s mom’s when she was a kid.

MIL:  But, what about a changing table?!

DH:  We’re going to put one of those curved changing pads on top of the dresser.

MIL:  But you need something with a lip so the changing pad doesn’t fall off!

DH:  Look, we have a small apartment.  If a new large piece of furniture comes in then we have to get rid of some of the furniture we already have and we’re not getting rid of Whatsit’s mom’s childhood dresser.

MIL:  Okay, don’t get excited, I’m sure the baby will get changed somehow….

 

Placenta Previa, or Why This Baby Will Be an Only Child

So, on Sat. I started having some spotting (I’m at 25 weeks now, btw) and possibly contractions.  So, I stopped moving bookshelves,* drank two glasses of water,** and laid down.  The bleeding stopped, the contractions went away and Husband left for his business trip as scheduled on Sunday.  I already had an OB appt. on Monday and at that appt., the OB checked the location of my placenta and guess what!  It’s right up against the cervix.  The OB couldn’t tell if it was going around part of the cervix or covering it.  The transvaginal ultrasound would tell her more, but she doesn’t want to do it for fear of causing more bleeding.  So–bonus!–no more internal exams either.

This condition is known as placenta previa and I am now at a much, much higher risk of bleeding uncontrollably and dying.  The fun never ends.  Because I only had that one incident of spotting after I had obviously been overdoing it, my doctor put me on restricted movement instead of bed rest.  No exercise!  No sex!  No lifting!  Take it easy at work!  (Not a problem there.)

If the placenta is just very near the cervix, as the uterus expands and pulls the placenta away from the cervix it might pull the placenta far enough away to allow for a vaginal birth.***  If the placenta is covering the cervix it is unlikely uterine expansion will pull the placenta far enough away from the cervix and a c-section will be necessary.  I’m imagining they would do it somewhat early as well considering that there is a huge risk that you will bleed out and die if you go into labor.  It probably depends on how much of the cervix is blocked.

So, I’m pretty much sitting at home and knitting for most of the rest of my pregnancy.  I’m not particularly concerned that I will start bleeding uncontrollably any time soon because I’m pretty sure my OB would have stuck me on bed rest if that were the case.  But, I really don’t want to do anything that might cause spotting because then I will be on bed rest until mid to late November.  And dudes, it’s only August!  Can you imagine laying in bed for the next several months????  And, what about my restless legs?  They will drive me insane if I get put on bed rest.  So.  Sitting at home.  Knitting.  Sewing.  Embroidering.

 

*I have heard there are men who will not allow their pregnant wives do anything remotely strenuous.  Husband is not one of them.

**The advice given on my “preterm labor” sheet from the OB.  I guess dehydration can cause contractions.

***Or, according to my OB, my placenta might not move at all.

 

Even more drama

So, when I had the amnio done, I had been experiencing cramping (much like menstrual cramps, only not quite as severe as mine can be) all morning long.  Which I told the doctors.  What I didn’t say (because I didn’t think it was significant) was that I was having to go to the bathroom A LOT.*  And most of the time when I did, there was very little or no pee.  In my defense, they didn’t seem concerned or much interested in the cramping other than the fact that it might interfere with the amnio so I figured it was nothing to worry about.

Yesterday, I woke up with more cramping and nausea.  I looked in my pregnancy book about contractions and, guess what?  Cramping + frequent (but often ineffective) urination = Go to the doctor because you probably have a bladder infection (UTIs can cause uterine contractions due to the bladder’s proximity to the uterus).  So, I called the ob and made an appt. for that morning.  Since they were squeezing me in, I wouldn’t see my OB but another one.  The doctor was lovely and she checked everything out to make sure everything was as it should be (pelvic exam and vaginal probe ultrasound + regular ultrasound), had me pee in a cup and did a quick test for UTI (negative) and sent the urine sample out for cultures.  She was kind and respectful and the whole thing was in every way the antithesis of the damn amnio office.

The result is that if the culture comes back positive or if my symptoms get more severe in the next day or so I will be put on antibiotics.  In the meantime, I should take it easy and continue to follow the post-amnio instructions:  no lifting anything over 20 lbs, no air travel, no exercise and no sex (considering how painful the insertion of the probe was, that will definitely not be a problem).  But, I didn’t need to continue bed rest and I could use a heating pad and acetaminophen for the cramps if I wanted.  So, I’ve been taking it easy and trying to drink a lot of fluids to flush this thing out.

The worst of all of this is that, before all this drama, I was getting to a place that I didn’t mind being pregnant.  I didn’t feel as bad as in the first trimester, I wasn’t sleeping all of the time, and I didn’t have a nasty cold.  Things were looking pretty good.  Now I’m back to the feeling that pregnancy sucks.  I told Husband today, “The only way we are having a second child is if you get pregnant because I’m not ever doing this again.”

 

*Really, bladder infection didn’t even occur to me because 1) no burning when I peed and 2) pregnant women are supposed to have to pee a lot.