Born 2:30 AM.
I’m heading home!
Born 2:30 AM.
I’m heading home!
Just got a call from my mom. My sister’s having contractions. So, I may be heading home tomorrow morning, we shall see!
Guess I better start cranking out that baby sweater. I’ve only got about 2 inches of the back done!
One of my New Year’s Resolutions (the only one, come to think of it) is to read more non-fiction books. I decided to read 12 non-fiction books this year, one per month. In January, I read Bonk: The Curious Coupling of Science and Sex. We shall not speak of the February book.*
This month’s book was Getting Stoned with Savages: A Trip Through the Islands of Fiji and Vanuatu by J. Maarten Troost. This book was a lot of fun and an easy read–I read the whole thing in an evening. I suppose you would call it a travel memoir even though the author and his wife actually live in Fiji and Vanuatu (an island nation in the South Pacific) for several years.
The author has also written The Sex Lives of Cannibals: Adrift in the Equatorial Pacific which is a memoir of his two years spent living with his then-girlfriend (no wife) on a tiny island in the middle of nowhere. Getting Stoned with Savages takes place after The Sex Lives of Cannibals, but the author mentions that he is writing The Sex Lives of Cannibals while living in Fiji and Vanuatu.
At the beginning of the book, the author and his girlfriend had just moved back to the US from their first experience living on a tiny island in the middle of nowhere. The author has a job at the World Bank and is making beaucoup bucks. However, he (strangely, he thinks, because he was miserable on that island) misses living on the island. His life in Washington seems very artificial. So, after some thought, they decide to go back to the South Pacific, except to a less remote location.
The entire book is written from a humorous perspective even when the situation is more a “If we weren’t laughing we’d be crying” sort of thing. He writes a bit about colonialism and his experiences being white in a place where there isn’t even the semblance of equality. He also writes about his exploration of the islands of Vanuatu, his interactions with the native peoples, surviving a cyclone (hurricane) and his encounters foot-long poisonous centipedes. And the joys of kava (which is where the book gets its name).
I sort of vaguely recall hearing about kava before reading this book, but I had the impression it was an innocuous herbal tea. Um, no. Kava, as consumed in the South Pacific, is a narcotic that is drunk for its tranquilizing effects. Instead of having a beer after work, the locals drink kava.
I really enjoyed this book and really have nothing negative to say about it. If you are looking for a book that waxxes philosophical about the rugged harshness of living in the third world, this book ain’t it. But, if you are looking for a casual perspective about living in the third world, you might enjoy this book.
To give you an idea of the tone of the book, here are a couple of the chapter summaries found in the table of contents:
Chapter 3. In which the author is confounded by Port Vila , which is not at all like the South Pacific he has known–he does not, for instance, have to eat fish every day–and after dipping into the past, which strikes him as being uncannily like the present, he cannot help but feel that for the whites in Vila it’s forever 1900.
Chapter 6. In which the author pondrs cannibalism and discovers that he just doesn’t get it–not at all, cannot get past the icky factor–and so, left to his own devices by his beguiling wife, he decides to seek enlightenment on the island of Maledula, where until recently, within his own lifetime even, they lunched on people.
So, that’s the book for March. I haven’t decided on an April book, yet, but I suspect it may be The Sex Lives of Cannibals.
*Okay, here’s what happened with the February book: it wasn’t fun enough. I liked it but I’m having a hard time reading anything serious that isn’t also fairly humorous. I’ll probably pick it up again after I go to California.
So, I tested the spores from the previous tetrad dissection, and, fortunately for everyone involved, I have the strains. I thought for sure L would have to do more dissections for one of the strains because of the low spore viability inherent in that strain but apparently the universe decided not to screw me over this time. Nobody is more surprised than me.
About the committee meeting:
Not being able to schedule a two-hour meeting with less than one month notice is not unreasonable for busy faculty members, and it was not great planning on your part to wait until only about 6 weeks before the submission deadline to start planning the required “go–no-go” committee meeting.
I will concede this point. Generally speaking, committee meetings are notoriously difficult to schedule for this reason. And, some faculty are much more difficult to schedule than others. Which was why I fully expected Dr. Committee Chair who has a very large lab, is on countless thesis committees and is very frequently out of town, to tell me there was no way in hell that she could schedule a meeting until late April/early May (thus missing the deadline). So, when she was miraculously free for most of the dates and times I suggested, and Dr. Crazy Yeast Geneticist (also with a big lab and a department chair; who, incidentally, was the guy who accused me of unethical conduct with a western blot* at my last meeting) was also free for most of the dates and times I suggested, I was thrilled beyond measure. I did NOT expect to be thwarted by Dr. Problem (though perhaps I should have, given my past experience with him) who has a very small lab, is not so popular for thesis committees and rarely goes out of town. That was the main source of my frustration.
But, what do I know? Perhaps Dr. Problem is on ten different University committees that I don’t know about that meet twice a week or he volunteers to bring food to the elderly or tutors children for an after school program or something equally important and time-consuming. I would be willing to bet large sums of money against it, but it’s possible. But, I have decided to not let it bother me because it seems that one of Dr. Problem’s students, D, is also trying to schedule a committee meeting and Dr. Problem has told her he will not be able to schedule her meeting until after April 27th. And, if he can’t find two hours to spare for his own student, I would not expect him to be able to find two hours to spare for me. Ironically, Advisor is on D’s thesis committee and has told her that he can’t schedule her meeting until he knows when mine will be (not, I think, to get back at Dr. Problem or to force him into scheduling my meeting but rather because Advisor is giving me priority in terms of his schedule). D and I have swapped our advisors’ post April 27th schedules and are coordinating our scheduling efforts.
Btw, one of the reasons I’ve been putting off this meeting is because I wanted to have the results of Last Experiment Ever before the meeting. The other reason is because I’m Not Right in the Head. Well, after coming back from my mental health break, Advisor told me to schedule the meeting as soon as possible and if I didn’t have Last Result, oh well. But, unless something goes terribly, terribly wrong (and I don’t think for a second that I can count on everything going smoothly because the Lab Fates severely punish that sort of optimistic thinking), I will have the result by my committee meeting since it will probably be in May.** With any luck, I will also be Right in the Head by then (or, you know, at least as Right in the Head as any person in my position can be).
So, the bottom line is, it will probably work out okay (even though there is no way in the world I can graduate this quarter). I may even forgive Dr. Problem for the crime of being unavailable.
*This experiment has been completely redone, by the way, and I think this guy will be very happy with the way I am presenting the new blot. I hope. If he isn’t, I’ll send him the file and he can make the figure his own damn self.
**May is going to be a very busy month. There’s the thesis defense of another member of the lab, my wedding anniversary, my brother’s birthday, Mother’s Day, my birthday and my other brother’s baby is due. And, I have to pack all my stuff and ship it across the country.
Since coming back from my grandmother’s, I have been steadily feeling better. In fact, a lot of the time, I feel pretty good. And so, I foolishly thought I was out of the woods. But, yesterday I found myself sitting at my desk, trying not to cry, and I realized that I still have quite a ways to go.
I’ve been trying to schedule my penultimate committee meeting. At this meeting, you present what you have for graduation and your committee either says, “Go ahead, write your thesis and schedule your defense,” or, “You’re not ready yet, do these other experiments.” I really need to have this thing before the end of the quarter. So, I sent an email to my committee asking about specific dates and times and two of my committee members got back to me right away. The third waited a day and a half, then told me he couldn’t possibly do it before April 27. Well, the deadline for giving your committee a draft of your thesis so that you can graduate this quarter is April 29. So, this means that there’s no way I can graduate this quarter even if I manage to get the experiment finished and all my writing done.
Mostly, I was just pissed off when I got the response from Dr. Problem. Surely, the man had two hours to spare for my committee meeting sometime in the next month!
I forwarded the email to Advisor, explained about graduating, and Advisor didn’t think it was worth fighting over (because the chances of me graduating this quarter were so slim, anyway). So, fine. If Advisor isn’t worried about it, I’m not going to worry about it either. I sent out another email about scheduling my meeting, but now Dr. Problem is out of town for a week so I won’t be able to work on the scheduling until he gets back (because he’s not answering his email).
Okay, so I’ve got this committee member giving me problems, but I was mostly cool with it. Frustrated, but functional.
Then, after lunch, I talked to L, who is second author on my paper, about doing more tetrad dissections today and tomorrow. I have 8 strains that need to be made and they can only be made via tetrad dissection and so far, I only have 1 strain. L has been doing the dissections because I don’t know how (well, I know how, but tetrad dissection is a skill that requires a lot of practice; add to that the fact that dissection requires fine motor skills and my hands have a slight tremor to them and you realize why it’s a bad idea for me to try and do it). Well, she wants me to test the other spores she’s dissected before she dissects more. The thing is, there aren’t that many of them and, for various reasons, I’m not confident there’s enough to ensure I have the strain I need. So, I explained to her that it would be ideal to have more spores growing up while I’m testing the ones I currently have, just in case I don’t get the strains I need. Still, she refuses. She says it may be a waste of her time since I could very well already have the strains.
I can appreciate her viewpoint. I really can. The thing is, when I came back last week, Advisor told me that he spoke to L and she agreed to take over more of the lab work if I needed it. Also, L is the one who will be finishing this thing up if it’s not done by the time I leave. So, I was really not expecting her to balk at this.
Well, this little discussion with L just put me right over the edge. Back to feeling like I’m being dissed by the very people who are supposed to help me.
I feel pathetic for getting so upset. I know neither of these things is that big of a deal. It’s not really going to delay me and Dr. Problem and L are not trying to hurt me and they sure as hell don’t know that I’m A Woman On the Edge. And, if I wasn’t already a basket case I probably would shrug these things off. But, dammit, I’m just. so. tired. of. this. shit. I’m tired of fighting. I’m tired of this place, this work, this situation, these people–all of it! I desperately wanted to go home and crawl into bed where nobody and nothing are going to disappoint me. However, I knew that would be a colossal mistake. So, I held myself together as best I could, looked at a whole bunch of Lolcats to try and cheer myself up a little, and stuck it out until the end of the day when I hopped a bus to the yarn store.
The yarn store is becoming my happy place which is a little concerning because I always buy yarn when I’m there and good yarn is not cheap. Still, it’s probably cheaper than going to the hospital. I came home with three balls of yarn and a book of patterns for baby things. I’m now in the process of knitting a sweater for Sister’s Baby (which was due yesterday).
I can’t wait to see what today brings.
Here is why.
…What you describe is exactly how I feel and how I think when I’m in an episode. What non-depression-sufferers don’t seem to realize is how well we can hide how dire things are.
And from Anonymous:
I don’t normally comment on blogs, but I will comment today.
I study science too, which is why I subscribe to your blog’s RSS.
Even more of a coincidence is that your post describes exactly what I am going through, also. I mean exactly. Last month I tried an adjustment to medication, and what a mess.
Anyway, I just wanted to say that I really appreciate this post. Thank you for sharing it. It makes me feel better to read this, and I don’t even know why.
The only good thing that could possibly come out of my being mentally ill is if I share my experience and it helps somebody else. Whether it’s because that person feels better for knowing they’re not alone or because that person knows someone with depression and reading about my depression helps them understand what that person is going through or because that person has never known anyone who is depressed and reading this helps them understand what depression is.
In the battle against mental illness, talk therapy and medication are important weapons. Equally important, however, are the things you do when you are not at the doctor’s office. In some ways, these may be more important because you spend most of your time outside the doctor’s office. But, a lot of times you need to think up these things yourself. Your doctor can tell you in a general sort of way what you should be doing. She will probably give you advice such as:
The problem is, she can’t tell you which friends you should get together with or what you all should do together or what you should do when you get out of the house or what sorts of things that you enjoy that you should be making time to do. She can help you out, but the ideas really have to come from you.
Now, my doctor has known me for years. So, she has a pretty good idea of the kinds of things that I enjoy doing and will ask me if I’ve been doing those things and encourage me to do them. For instance, she might suggest that I knit because in the past I’ve talked about how much I enjoy knitting and how therapeutic I find it. Still, she can’t tell me what project to work on that will be the most relaxing or the most satisfying, only I can know that for myself.
The thing is, when you’re depressed, you don’t want to do any of those things. First of all because you have no motivation and secondly because depression often makes it so that you lose the ability to actually enjoy anything (this is called anhedonia, there is a very good description of it here) which makes you even less motivated to do anything.
One of the components of my recovery has been trying to get myself to do things (like leaving my apt) that I really don’t feel like doing but that I know have made me feel good in the past. For instance, last Monday, after Husband left to go back to California, I made myself go downtown to the yarn store and buy a couple balls of yarn for a simple knitting project.
Now, I have more than enough yarn in my apt. But, I know that I need to get out of my apt. It was very hard to make myself do it. I don’t have a car, so I had to take the bus. Since I really hate being around people when I’m depressed, the thought of getting on a bus with lots of strangers that I may be packed against is really, really not appealing. But (and this is a key point), it wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought it would be. And, I enjoyed being at the yarn store and petting the cashmere yarn and seeing the friendly people there.
So, in an effort to continue to getting better, earlier this week I made plans with R to go out for afternoon tea at a fancy-pants hotel on Saturday (today). The weekends are really bad for me because I have a tendency to hole up in my apt. and lay in bed which is really not healthy. One way to avoid this is to make plans to do something with someone. Having company is important because I don’t like to cancel on people because I don’t like to disappoint them, so I will still go out even if I don’t feel like it.
I have to say, I highly recommend going for afternoon tea as emotional therapy. It’s not cheap, so I can’t do it often, but it is absolutely worth it. Why?
I actually have never seen Breakfast at Tiffany’s, but I’ve read the book. In the book, Holly Golightly explains why she likes going to Tiffany’s by saying that it’s the kind of place you feel like nothing bad could ever happen there. This is how I feel about tea.
Nothing bad could ever possibly happen to me while I’m at tea.