I feel a little sick.
My lab said my practice talk was very good. And they wouldn’t just say that so I know that it was. Plus they only suggested minor changes. My lab spends a lot of time helping people with their talks. After the practice talk, we go through every slide in the talk and people give their comments on what can be improved. So, it took about 2 hours for me to give a talk and get feedback.
I’m so glad I came here ahead of time! I feel more confident in my ability to talk science now that I’m immersed in that environment again. In a lot of ways, it feels like coming home. I spent 16 years in grad. school city with most of that time at the university either teching or in grad. school. I have felt like a fish out of water in the suburbs of San Francisco. So, this time has been good for me.
Well, I’m on my way back to grad school city for my defense. I want to crawl in a hole and hide. Seriously. I can’t shake the feeling I’m not going to pass and that’s really going to be embarassing since everyone keeps telling me that everyone passes. Nothing anyone says helps. I know it’s illogical, but I can’t stop thinking it.
I sent my thesis to my committee and already they have comments. The intro is not broad enough, they say. And they want more in the future directions. Oy. I feel as though this is not a good sign. I think the problem is that they are thinking about this thiesis in terms of me having about a year to write it. But, what they are not considering is that I spent a lot of that time curled up in a ball on my bed. Depression will do that to you.
So, here I am, nervous, thinking about what to add to my thesis, hoping my defense talk doesn’t suck too much (though I’m going to have a practice talk tomorrow which will hopefully help the talk). All this last week, I’ve been on the verge of calling up my committee and saying, “Never mind, I can’t do this, sorry.” I don’t really feel a sense of anxiety, just dread.
Oh, and I just realized I forgot to pack the DNA scarf for my advisor. Fortunately, Husband is arriving later in the week so I can ask him to bring it!