In which I’m horribly ill

So, a couple weekends ago, I had just gotten to the point that the worst of the first trimester woes had passed and I was actually feeling pretty good.  I was down to one nap a day instead of three!  I was even ready to tackle cleaning up the apt. (I have church stuff all over creation due to preparing for a special event).  And then, I started sneezing.  I thought it was allergies or something, but I woke up the next day with a cold and felt absolutely miserable.  I barely got out of bed and didn’t even shower, that’s how bad I felt.*  The universe is cruel.

So, I’ve been recuperating this past week and I actually feel quite a bit better, although both my grandmother and mom say I sound awful (thanks, guys).  Basically, I’ve been laying around the apt., drinking OJ and tea with honey and taking lots and lots of naps (and coughing up a lung and using boxes of kleenex).

But, I’m looking forward to getting back to a good version of my old self soon.  So, I’ve informed Husband that, as soon as that happens, we are going into full-fledged baby prep mode.  I have no idea how long I’ll be feeling good and I hear that the third trimester is pretty miserable, so we’re going to make the most of this time while it lasts.  This will involve purging enough books to eliminate one of our bookshelves (out of six) to make room for the desk from the study (aka the baby’s room) in the living room and repainting a dresser** and moving it to the baby’s room.  Also, we need to rent a storage unit and move everything out of the baby’s closet into the unit and a lot of the stuff in our little storage space next to the apt. to make way for baby stuff.  Oh, and move the cat litter from the baby’s room to a hall closet (where we shall also keep the diaper pail; it’ll be the stinky closet).  Then, we’ll have room to move in baby furniture and accoutrements.  It’s a lot of work and it’s not the kind of thing I can do when I’m 8 mos. pregnant, so we’re going to try to get it done now.

Of course, there’s also the possibility that we’ll move (which, due to lease constraints, probably won’t happen until I’m 8 mos. pregnant).  We’re waiting to see if Husband will be getting much of a raise in July.  If he does, we’ll be looking for a place that’s slightly larger and, more importantly, with a washer and dryer in the apt.  Right now, we have to drive to the laundry facility in our complex and that’s going to suck after the baby gets here.

So, big plans afoot.  Just as soon as I get better (Hello!  Immune System!  Time to get a move on!).

 

*Even during my absolute worst case of depression, when my doctor started suggesting I go to a hospital, I still showered everyday.

**The dresser belonged to my mother when she was a girl and my grandparents let her paint it herself.  It’s really very sweet–white with large, sixties-ish blue flowers–and normally I’d want to keep it the way it is due to it’s family history value.  But, the paint’s peeling in a lot of places and God knows if there’s lead in it, so I’ll be repainting it.

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Not smug

So, I’ve been struggling a bit these last few weeks.  I have been tired, run-down, no energy to speak of, irritable, reclusive and increasingly depressed.  I’d like to take this moment to say pregnancy sucks.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy beyond belief that around Thanksgiving, Husband and I will finally, finally have a baby.  But, all the stuff between now and then?  Sucks.  I know my situation could be worse.  I could be having more complications, for instance.  But, dude, this blissed-out feeling earth mother feeling that I’ve heard about?  Not coming my way.

I hear it gets better in the second trimester.  As I am now at the end of the first trimester, I’m wondering when that’s going to happen.  I can’t imagine I’m going to ever get to the earth mother stage, though.  I mean, it’s not like I’m the first woman to ever get pregnant.  Or the first mammal for that matter.  And, I’m only having one (according to the ultrasound, thank God), not carrying around a litter like cats, dogs, and mice do.  Nor do I have to be pregnant for almost two years, unlike elephants (really, really thank God for that one!).  Or have to sit on a nest for days on end like egg-layers do (though that might actually be better if I could get Husband to do it for awhile after he gets home from work).  So I’m not sure what there is to get high and mighty about.  Frankly, at this stage in the game, I’m actually a little irritated that this whole thing is going on inside me where I can’t observe it.  Do other scientists feel that way, too?  I mean, if I had my way, I’d have high-resolution ultrasound every other day so I can see what’s going on.  I had one a few weeks ago and my doctor pointed out the head and limb buds (correct number of everything, fortunately, no homeotic mutations visible), but I’m pretty sure things have changed a bit since then.  How many ultrasounds is it safe to have?  Do you suppose there’s a research study I could join that does them weekly?

Anyway, getting back to the point of this post I’ve been feeling like crap.  Yesterday, I went to see my psych doc for our monthly meeting (I’ve been having them pretty much once a month since I started going to see her; I’m guessing it will increase as we get closer to the due date and certainly after the birth).  And, here’s the thing, how do we determine if I’m feeling like crap because I’m pregnant (and am, essentially, a walking bag of hormones) or if I’m feeling like crap because I’m depressed?  Or is it both?  Having never been pregnant before, it’s difficult for me to tell, exactly, but it feels like a mild depression.  So, we eventually decided to up my SSRI and see if that helps.

Another reason this whole thing sucks is that it is spring and normally this is the time of year I feel really good, sometimes almost a little too good.  This really good feeling lasts until about mid-summer when it starts to change into just feeling good by the end of the summer, okay by mid-fall, and bad by winter until around March or so.*  So, I feel a little gypped out of my really good time of year.  In fact, I would have to say that I’ve mostly slept through spring.  And spring is really lovely here in the bay area.  Today, in fact, it’s 85 degrees out.  I’d go for a swim if I wasn’t so damn tired.**

So, that’s what’s going on in Mrs Whatsit-land.  Please tell me you guys are doing better.  I need to hear some good news to balance my mood.

*Given that cycle, it really would have been better for me to get pregnant in the fall and give birth in the spring so that I won’t get hit with the double whammy of postpartum depression and seasonal affective disorder.

**I’ve got another rant about maternity clothes, btw.