So, I’ve been struggling a bit these last few weeks. I have been tired, run-down, no energy to speak of, irritable, reclusive and increasingly depressed. I’d like to take this moment to say pregnancy sucks. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy beyond belief that around Thanksgiving, Husband and I will finally, finally have a baby. But, all the stuff between now and then? Sucks. I know my situation could be worse. I could be having more complications, for instance. But, dude, this blissed-out feeling earth mother feeling that I’ve heard about? Not coming my way.
I hear it gets better in the second trimester. As I am now at the end of the first trimester, I’m wondering when that’s going to happen. I can’t imagine I’m going to ever get to the earth mother stage, though. I mean, it’s not like I’m the first woman to ever get pregnant. Or the first mammal for that matter. And, I’m only having one (according to the ultrasound, thank God), not carrying around a litter like cats, dogs, and mice do. Nor do I have to be pregnant for almost two years, unlike elephants (really, really thank God for that one!). Or have to sit on a nest for days on end like egg-layers do (though that might actually be better if I could get Husband to do it for awhile after he gets home from work). So I’m not sure what there is to get high and mighty about. Frankly, at this stage in the game, I’m actually a little irritated that this whole thing is going on inside me where I can’t observe it. Do other scientists feel that way, too? I mean, if I had my way, I’d have high-resolution ultrasound every other day so I can see what’s going on. I had one a few weeks ago and my doctor pointed out the head and limb buds (correct number of everything, fortunately, no homeotic mutations visible), but I’m pretty sure things have changed a bit since then. How many ultrasounds is it safe to have? Do you suppose there’s a research study I could join that does them weekly?
Anyway, getting back to the point of this post I’ve been feeling like crap. Yesterday, I went to see my psych doc for our monthly meeting (I’ve been having them pretty much once a month since I started going to see her; I’m guessing it will increase as we get closer to the due date and certainly after the birth). And, here’s the thing, how do we determine if I’m feeling like crap because I’m pregnant (and am, essentially, a walking bag of hormones) or if I’m feeling like crap because I’m depressed? Or is it both? Having never been pregnant before, it’s difficult for me to tell, exactly, but it feels like a mild depression. So, we eventually decided to up my SSRI and see if that helps.
Another reason this whole thing sucks is that it is spring and normally this is the time of year I feel really good, sometimes almost a little too good. This really good feeling lasts until about mid-summer when it starts to change into just feeling good by the end of the summer, okay by mid-fall, and bad by winter until around March or so.* So, I feel a little gypped out of my really good time of year. In fact, I would have to say that I’ve mostly slept through spring. And spring is really lovely here in the bay area. Today, in fact, it’s 85 degrees out. I’d go for a swim if I wasn’t so damn tired.**
So, that’s what’s going on in Mrs Whatsit-land. Please tell me you guys are doing better. I need to hear some good news to balance my mood.
*Given that cycle, it really would have been better for me to get pregnant in the fall and give birth in the spring so that I won’t get hit with the double whammy of postpartum depression and seasonal affective disorder.
**I’ve got another rant about maternity clothes, btw.