You would think that now that I have my thesis done I could concentrate on getting pregnant.  You’d be wrong.  I’m still trying to get my medications sorted out.  I can’t go off of them entirely (tried that in the fall and crashed), but I’m still hoping to get rid of one or two of them.  Specifically, I’ve been taking ativan to help me sleep so I’m trying to wean myself off of it because taking it would be like drinking a glass of wine every night which one shouldn’t do while pregnant.

But, I’m really tired of waiting.  I’ve been waiting and waiting for years now and I have this feeling like my fertility is slipping away while I wait for things to be right.  If I am lucky it will be only two more weeks until I am off of the ativan and then I’m not waiting anymore.


I’m sitting in my hotel room, waiting to go home.  This is infinitely better than sitting in the hotel lobby which is what I’d be doing if I hadn’t arranged to check out late.  Still, I hate waiting and I have a lot of it today.  Waiting now, waiting during my four hour layover in Dulles, waiting while on the plane.  I am tired of being elsewhere, I want to be home.

This trip has been a real challenge for me.  At a time when I have difficulty leaving my apt. to go to the grocery store, I have flown across the country.  I’m an introvert, which makes things difficult when you are supposed to be meeting new people.  I never know what to say.  And I felt particularly awkward because I don’t know where my life is going right now.  When people asked me why I came to the conference, I couldn’t say, “Well, I’m hoping to be inspired so I can figure out what to do with my life because I’ve kinda lost my interest in just about everything.”  Or maybe I could have said the first part.  What I said was something about being interested in science outreach and education and those things are sort of true.  I mean, I’d like to be more interested in them (I’d like to be more interested in just about anything right now).

Another problem I have with the socializing aspect of conferences is that I have difficulty hearing.  If I’m in a crowded room of people talking, I can hear the people right next to me and that’s it.  So, on the one hand, I feel uncomfortable talking one on one with a person but on the other hand, if I’m in a group, I can barely hear what people are saying (or just can’t hear them at all).  And, all the while, I want to run back to my hotel room, climb in bed, and hide under the covers.

And today, that’s what I did.  The talk I was in got out early for the second session and I wanted desperately to go back to the hotel and someone offered me a ride, so I did.  I went back to the hotel, skipping the last session and lunch and went back to bed and boy did it feel good.  It felt so good, I might even be able to face going out and hobnobbing except that the conference is over and there is no more hobnobbing to be had.  Maybe that’s why it felt good, because I knew I wouldn’t be required to socialize anymore.

It’s not that I hate socializing completely.  I enjoy being in small groups of people I know.  It’s not knowing the people I’m trying to socialize with that’s the problem.

So, now it’s all over and I’m sitting here, praying the rain will stop, or at least that it won’t delay my flight because I think I would go crazy if I couldn’t get home.


This evening, there is a gala (which I hope is casual because I don’t have anything dressy) with food and drink.  I am going but I am rather dreading it because I really suck at networking and meeting new people.  Really suck at it.  I am shy.  I hate that awkward feeling when you try to insinuate yourself into the conversation.  I get really nervous and scared and want to go and hide.

And then, there’s the “drink” part.  I think just about every medication I’m taking says not to drink alcohol while taking it and I’m on five of them.  So, no wine for me.  It’s awkward to be the one person who is not drinking alcohol.

I made it

I’m here at the conference.  Today there are the workshops in the morning, lab/museum tours in the afternoon and the gala tonight.  I wasn’t interested in the workshops, so my first conference event will be the museum tour in the afternoon.  Then, it will be back to the hotel for a little rest and then to the gala.  I’m not sure what the gala will entail.  Food and drink, I suppose, but the term gala seems very grand.  I only brought casual clothes (jeans and sweaters) so I hope it’s not a dress up event.

So sleepy.  Jet lag sucks.  Tomorrow will be worse.  Registration is from 8-9, then sessions all day.   I usually get up around 8:00 CA time!  Hopefully, the sessions will be so inspiring, I won’t think about falling asleep!

Unreasonable anxiety

As the conference approaches (leaving tomorrow), I have more and more anxiety about the whole thing.  I was freaking out about renting a car and maybe getting lost or the car breaking down (not to mention the expense), so I ditched the car and now I’m worried about what happens if I need to go to the store because the airline lost my luggage and I have deodorant.  So then I think, well, I’ll bring my deodorant in my carry-on, and an extra shirt and underwear just in case my luggage gets lost and then I worry about my deodorant getting confiscated by security for being the wrong size and then I’m back to the problem of having no deodorant.  Maybe the answer is to have two deodorants?

And then there’s the flight back.  The conference ends with lunch from noon-2 and my flight’s not until 5pm.  Then, there’s a four hour layover in Dulles before the very long flight back.  What will I do during all of that time?  I hope I can sleep on the flight but that still leaves me with all the extraneous time in the airport.  Why this freaks me out, I have no idea.  Now, if I was traveling with small children and had to keep them entertained all that time, that might be something to freak out about.  But, it’s just myself I have to try to keep entertained.

Somehow, the conference itself doesn’t seem as scary as the traveling, I’m not sure why.  I guess because if I completely freak out, I can go hide in my hotel room if I have to.  The traveling makes me feel…trapped, I guess.  Trapped in one place with no where to go and nothing that can be done if I’m uncomfortable or freaking out.

I hate having all of this anxiety and feeling like I’m completely messed up.

I’m going

I decided to go to ScienceOnline 2010.  If any of you out there are going, send me an email at: [at] gmail [dot] com (with the appropriate symbols replacing the words in the brackets.  I’m going under my real name and in an unfortunate twist of fate, someone who knows me in real life will also be there.  So, if you contact me and I contact you and we agree to meet up at the conference, you have to agree to not call me by my pseudonym and to not reveal my identity.

I am still a little freaked about going to the conference.  The money situation has gotten better, but I am still very anxiety-prone and going to this conference is tripping all of my triggers.  Would be nice to know some supporters there.

Equipment update

The imac is still dead.  😦  I tried leaving it unplugged and plugging it back in, using a different power cord, and resetting the PMU.  The next step is to take it to the computer doctor.  I’m a little worried about taking it someplace to be fixed.  Right now, I feel like the data is still there, just inaccessable.  Who knows what the computer doctors will do to it, though, and I am scared that whatever it is, whatever data was left on the computer will be gone.  The actual paper data is all backed up and everything, but there were programs on the imac that I don’t have on my laptop, and can’t run on my laptop, that I may need before I am done writing.  I am hoping that if the computer can’t be fixed, at least the computer docs can find a way to remove the hard drive and make it so I can access it.

Happy Thanksgiving!

To everyone celebrating Thanksgiving today, I hope you have a happy one filled with good food and good company.  Husband and I have decided to forego the usual holiday feast in favor of going to a nice restaurant this year.  Didn’t seem worth it to make a turkey and trimmings for just two of us!

No news is never good news

You might think that I haven’t been posting because I have been too busy writing my thesis or that maybe I went on vacation or some other, positive reason.  You would be wrong.

Inevitably, when I fall off the face of the earth it is because my mood has taken a dive and I’m either in the midst of a serious depression or I am trying to recover from said depression.  This recent disappearance from the blog is no exception.  Fortunately,  I am now on the mend.

I can trace this most recent relapse into depression to a very specific cause:  decreasing my medication.  As you know, I have been wanting to get pregnant.  So, with my doctor’s approval, I started tapering down on my medications in preparation for that.  I peeled back one medication after the other until, suddenly, I went a little too far and I collapsed.  This collapse was somewhat different from my previous breakdowns because instead of being confined to bed and sleeping all day and all night because I couldn’t face getting up , I was consumed by anxiety and paranoia and couldn’t sleep at all (mostly due to a horrible, horrible attack of restless legs syndrome which limited my ability to sleep to about two hours at a time which probably contributed to the crazy).  Which then made me depressed because I was scared to leave the house and I know this is not a normal state of being.

In fact, I was in the middle of writing a post to the blog describing the anxiety I was feeling and what went through my mind everytime I tried to leave the house and how I was feeling like I had accomplished something pretty major since I had managed to go to the pharmacy to pick up the one medication I was still taking when I realized how absolutely off my rocker I sounded and I contacted my doctor and said, “We’ve got to fix this.  NOW.”

So, back on the medications I went.  And, here I am–mostly stable, frustrated with my brain chemistry, and with very little progress on my thesis since last I wrote because the funny thing is, when you are feeling like you lack the wherewithal to make it five minutes in the world outside your apt., you don’t spend much time writing your thesis because it is simply a given in your head that you will never pass your defense.  So, why bother?

Now that I’m stable, I’ve been working on my thesis about three hours a day on the weekdays.  Which is pretty damn impressive considering I was only managing about a half an hour a day prior to this most recent breakdown.  Which also indicates that I wasn’t doing so hot before the breakdown anyway.

So, what does this mean in terms of getting pregnant?  It means the baby-making is on hold.  If you’ve never tried to get pregnant, you might not realize this but trying to get pregnant is stressful.  You’d think it would be fun, at least in the beginning, if it doesn’t take you too long to get pregnant.  And, maybe it is for some people.  I’m just not one of them.  I’ve wanted a baby for too long, and, at 35, I’m worried that my window of opportunity is narrowing (please don’t tell me that 35 is still young, the fact is that the older you are, the harder it is to get pregnant and the greater chance there is of something going wrong).  So, right off the bat we were planning sex according to when I might be ovulating and getting my period seemed like the end of the world.*  Finishing my degree is stressful enough without the pregnancy stress on top of it.  And, while I won’t be going off my meds in preparation for pregancy the next time, I might try going off of them for the first trimester and that really will not be conducive to writing, as I have already discovered.  So, we are waiting for a few more months.

As for thesis writing, I’ve set a deadline for myself.  The thesis has to be done by mid-Feb. at the latest.  By done I mean ready to hand to my committee.  To do this, I think I need to have a first draft to my advisor by mid- to late Jan.  I think I need to make this deadline in order to push myself to have a hope of ever being finished.  Without a deadline in my head, I haven’t felt the need to push myself to work more and harder.  Consequently, I have just been floating along.  The reward structure I set up helped me a little, but it wasn’t getting me in front of the computer enough.  I find I’m much more productive now that I have a deadline for myself.

So, that’s where I’m at.  Now that I’m feeling better, I suspect I will be posting to the blog more frequently (probably bemoaning how I hate writing my thesis).

*I may have said this before, but, I really, really wish we had started trying to get pregnant earlier in our lives because then we could simply stop using birth control and not try to plan so much and maybe be a little more relaxed about getting pregnant.

Laundry rant

Husband and I have a laundry hamper that has three separate compartments in it.  These compartments have been designated white/beige, all colors except red and red.  Why, then, did I find a navy blue plaid shirt in the white/beige compartment and a red plaid shirt in the all colors except red compartment?  Why?  Is he trying to tell me that laundry sorting is more difficult than rocket science?

ETA:  Just found some white socks and underwear in the reds.  Would serve him right if I left them in there and he had to go around in pink socks and underwear!  ARGH!