Not smug

So, I’ve been struggling a bit these last few weeks.  I have been tired, run-down, no energy to speak of, irritable, reclusive and increasingly depressed.  I’d like to take this moment to say pregnancy sucks.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy beyond belief that around Thanksgiving, Husband and I will finally, finally have a baby.  But, all the stuff between now and then?  Sucks.  I know my situation could be worse.  I could be having more complications, for instance.  But, dude, this blissed-out feeling earth mother feeling that I’ve heard about?  Not coming my way.

I hear it gets better in the second trimester.  As I am now at the end of the first trimester, I’m wondering when that’s going to happen.  I can’t imagine I’m going to ever get to the earth mother stage, though.  I mean, it’s not like I’m the first woman to ever get pregnant.  Or the first mammal for that matter.  And, I’m only having one (according to the ultrasound, thank God), not carrying around a litter like cats, dogs, and mice do.  Nor do I have to be pregnant for almost two years, unlike elephants (really, really thank God for that one!).  Or have to sit on a nest for days on end like egg-layers do (though that might actually be better if I could get Husband to do it for awhile after he gets home from work).  So I’m not sure what there is to get high and mighty about.  Frankly, at this stage in the game, I’m actually a little irritated that this whole thing is going on inside me where I can’t observe it.  Do other scientists feel that way, too?  I mean, if I had my way, I’d have high-resolution ultrasound every other day so I can see what’s going on.  I had one a few weeks ago and my doctor pointed out the head and limb buds (correct number of everything, fortunately, no homeotic mutations visible), but I’m pretty sure things have changed a bit since then.  How many ultrasounds is it safe to have?  Do you suppose there’s a research study I could join that does them weekly?

Anyway, getting back to the point of this post I’ve been feeling like crap.  Yesterday, I went to see my psych doc for our monthly meeting (I’ve been having them pretty much once a month since I started going to see her; I’m guessing it will increase as we get closer to the due date and certainly after the birth).  And, here’s the thing, how do we determine if I’m feeling like crap because I’m pregnant (and am, essentially, a walking bag of hormones) or if I’m feeling like crap because I’m depressed?  Or is it both?  Having never been pregnant before, it’s difficult for me to tell, exactly, but it feels like a mild depression.  So, we eventually decided to up my SSRI and see if that helps.

Another reason this whole thing sucks is that it is spring and normally this is the time of year I feel really good, sometimes almost a little too good.  This really good feeling lasts until about mid-summer when it starts to change into just feeling good by the end of the summer, okay by mid-fall, and bad by winter until around March or so.*  So, I feel a little gypped out of my really good time of year.  In fact, I would have to say that I’ve mostly slept through spring.  And spring is really lovely here in the bay area.  Today, in fact, it’s 85 degrees out.  I’d go for a swim if I wasn’t so damn tired.**

So, that’s what’s going on in Mrs Whatsit-land.  Please tell me you guys are doing better.  I need to hear some good news to balance my mood.

*Given that cycle, it really would have been better for me to get pregnant in the fall and give birth in the spring so that I won’t get hit with the double whammy of postpartum depression and seasonal affective disorder.

**I’ve got another rant about maternity clothes, btw.

7 thoughts on “Not smug

  1. My first I suddenly felt normal again at 14.5 weeks. Hopefully it will be soon for you! Have you looked into or asked you dr about taking extra vitamin B6? I take it all the time and it seems to help with the mild depression I get around PMS time. Then in my first trimesters I take 100mg with breakfast, lunch, and then again right before bed. It seems to leave your body quickly ( as you’d imagine a water-soluble vitamin would) but this helps me SO much with morning sickness and feeling like crap! However multiple times a day seems to be essential, as much as my own experiments on myself can suggest. Also, not all brands seem to work. I was sick as a dog taking b6 of our grocery store brand. But exactly 7.5 hours after taking the other brand I had used for my previous pregnancy (finest natural- sold at Walgreens and other places?) I felt better and actually cleaned up the dirty dishes in the kitchen when I hadn’t been able to step foot in that room for a week because of all the smells. Anyway as a scientist I really want a placebo controlled double blind study. As a pregnant woman I’m just so glad I’m feeling better. Ask your Drs and do some research for yourself too (I found evidence it’s safe up to 500 mg a day) but consider it!!
    Note: this is not ‘medical’ advice and I have absolutely no commercial interest in this- I’m just happy it works for me!!
    Good luck!!

  2. I hated being pregnant for the majority of the time. I think there was a period of about 5-6 weeks that I felt really good, and it didn’t start until about 15 weeks.

    Anyway, don’t feel bad about not enjoying it — some people love it, some people hate it, and apparently it can be different with different kids too.

    As for the science aspect, there are actually a lot of studies you can take part in if you’re interested! I know, at my university, there were a lot of exercise studies for pregnant women. Might be something to look into!

  3. I know exactly what you mean. People expect me to be all sentimental about being pregnant. I mean, I’m happy about it and it’s cool being able to see his movements (and quite freaky at the same time), but I don’t find it the profound experience that others think I should.

    I did start to feel better at about 15 weeks, but I wasn’t quite back to normal (was still fairly tired). That was also weird because I didn’t feel pregnant anymore. I wasn’t showing and couldn’t feel him move yet, so it was a strange limbo for a few weeks.

    And I’m with you on the ultrasound business. Right now I settle for correlating his movements with what I’m doing at the time and how long after I’ve eaten a variety of things. However, I had a 3D ultrasound the other day and now I really want to be able to tell what body part he’s moving when I feel him move (surprisingly at the ultrasound I felt his elbows the most).

    • I actually kinda feel in limbo right now, too! I’m tired all the time, but my appetite is mostly back, I only have a little tummy and can’t feel any movements (11.5 wks along). Even my breasts don’t hurt as much. So it kinda feels like I’m not pregnant.

  4. Honestly, I feel like 90% of the posts you write I could have written myself. I have simply never understood the appeal of being pregnant: it’s physically awkward, exhausting, your hormones are running amok, everyone feels entitled to give you extremely personal advice, and you are forbidden from doing about 9,000 things that I normally enjoy (coffee!!). All I have to say is that child better be seriously cute.

  5. I felt normal for, like, six weeks last time. So far zero weeks this time. And yeah, it sucks.

    Made almost all my own maternity clothes because PINCHY PINCHY OW; also made of polyester. Just did another three skirts. Never setting foot in a M0therh00d store again.

  6. hi there ladies.. and apecial one to mrswhatsit,
    I came across your blog today.. got impressed by your passion for scienceand your woogly used metaphors to describe how it is to be with science with everyday life..
    im a webdeveloper and lot more myself.
    I was thinking about a lot to make a good online science community… so ive made the dates fix to july 2011 to start working on it.. (right now ive got college.. ill do it in holidays..:) )
    ill tell you when its done…(boomarking your site now!)
    so nice meeting you peeeps..
    you may catch me up in FB.
    have a nice day.

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