What’s up with me

So, you’re probably wondering what I’ve been up to.  Well, I graduated.  There was a hooding ceremony and since Advisor was otherwise occupied, Husband hooded me.  It was pretty awesome and I was very happy I participated.

That was a month and a half ago.

That was also probably the last time I was happy.

So, what’s been going on?  Well, as you know, I’ve been trying to get off of my meds so I can try to get pregnant.  I had gotten off of my sleeping med.  I wasn’t sleeping so great, so I tried Benadryl.  Not only did that not help, but then my restless legs started acting up making things worse.  From a restless legs website, I found out that sedating antihistamines can aggravate restless legs.  So, I stopped the Benadryl, but my legs didn’t go back to normal.  My sleep got worse.  My depression got worse.  My doctor recommended going back on my sleeping meds which was a step backward in the whole trying to have a baby plan.  That made me more depressed.

I thought a lot.  I thought about how my medicine for restless legs is not approved for pregnancy and there are no human studies for it and how it seems less and less likely that I will be able to go off of it.  I thought about not going off of it and what that might do to a future baby and if I could handle having a baby with a birth defect which was quite likely caused by taking a medication.  I thought about the odds of us getting to adopt a baby.  I thought about how I was recently denied life insurance by two different companies because I take medication for depression and decided the odds of being eligible to adopt a baby were slim to none.  Plus, we couldn’t afford it anyway.

I thought a lot about how, when I was younger, I had so many hopes and dreams for the future and how now, at 36, I’ve come to realize that, due to a number of circumstances, many of those dreams are not going to be attainable.  Like owning a house.  And, maybe having children.  And maybe having a career I don’t hate.

And I came to the realization that I hate my life.  I hate just about everything about it.  I hate where I live for many, many reasons.  I hate the fact that the closest family is 1000 miles away.  I hate the suburbs.  I hate this town.  I hate where we live in this town, I hate my apt. complex, I hate my apt.  There are a lot of good reasons for living where we do, but that doesn’t stop me from hating it.

I hate my body.  I hate that I’ve gained weight since starting grad school.  I hate that I have a chronic illness.  I hate depression.  I hate restless legs.  I hate that most nights I sleep on the couch because I can’t fall asleep in the bed.  I hate that I wake up in the middle of most nights and have to get up and stretch my legs so I can go back to sleep.  I hate the fact that I simultaneously have fine lines around my eyes and zits around my chin.  What the hell is up with that?  Will I ever not have acne???

I hate that I’m 36 and still have no children and no idea if I ever will have children.  I hate seeing other people with children.  I hate hearing about other people having babies.  I hate making things for other people’s babies.

I hate that I had to get a new doctor upon coming here and that, after having gone through the trouble of finding that doctor, our insurance has changed and she is no longer in network.  So, I hate health insurance.  I hate that I’m so dependent on health insurance.

I hate that I can’t find a church that I like.  I’ve been to several and they all suck in some way and I’ve finally given up on going for the near future.

I hate doing housework.  I have never liked doing housework and now I feel obliged to do it because I don’t work.  Don’t even get me started on the laundry situation.

I love my husband and like living with him, but I hate that living with him means living in a place I hate.

So there you have it.  I officially hate very nearly everything about my life.  The amount of stuff that is wrong is so overwhelming, it’s hard to know where to start to fix it.  I’m not even sure it is fixable.

12 thoughts on “What’s up with me

  1. Ok, I have the zits too, I gained 50lbs in grad school that won’t go away.

    Have you tried melatonin? I have horrible sleeping habits, mostly I talk, but it really helps. But it takes a week or so to build up in your system.

    Find one thing. Find something small. It doesn’t matter if its something as silly as a marble that you like looking at, but look at it, be happy about it. It’s a small almost insignificant step, but it’s a step.

    You deserve awesome hugs.

  2. First: *hugs*. If you just needed to vent, I’m just glad to know what’s going on with you.

    Second, if you can stomach free advice (worth every penny!):
    Break up problems into small pieces- if it were me, I’d start with finding a doctor, because it sounds manageable (and might help some of the other things).
    Would exercise help with any of the health stuff (either sleep or weight or depression)? I hate it when people tell me to exercise, because it feels like they are blaming me for feeling lousy. Plus, I don’t like exercising like I used to. But I know it’s useful to me.

    As far as the medication thing… I don’t know what will or won’t work for you. I do know that I was on wellbutrin (which is a category B or C, depending on who you ask) during my entire pregnancy. It was *not* an easy decision.
    I know it didn’t even out the depression entirely, but it also seems to have had no lasting negative effects on my son. That said, try not to expect that you will be less depressed or more happy if you do manage to have a baby. They are wonderful in many ways, but the sheer stress of caring for them can certainly exacerbate depression. Also, it will likely make the disparity between your husband’s and your contributions to housework/laundry *much* more stressful. But if you view it as an ongoing dialog (you can talk with him about it now!), most couples can work it out.

  3. (((hugs))) to you. I agree with the other commenters – try to break down the problems into small manageable pieces, and start working at one thing at a time.

    Maybe if you hate your apartment, re-arrange the furniture, or even look for a new apartment.

    If you hate where you are living, can you and husband put together a timeline of when you can leave (something to look forward too!)?

    Have you tried going to an OBGYN or a fertility doctor about your medication problems? You can’t be the only one that has been on this medication that wants a baby – they might have some good suggestions for you.

    I hate to see you so down about your life – especially at 36! You have so much life to go, so to make changes now, at least you can work on being happier in the future.

    Hang in there.

  4. {{{hugs}}}

    It seems like I know a lot of people in the same emotional space right now. It is partly the after-graduation blues—with the stress greatly exacerbated by the fact that you went to grad school and thus are that much older. But I know you’ll find your way on top of it all eventually. In times like these, I think of all of the fuck-ups that I am related to (drunks, criminals, depressives, etc.) and I think, “damn, I haven’t screwed up my life that badly!” Petty, perhaps, but wickedly comforting! ; )

  5. *hugs*

    Oh the grad school weight- don’t get me started. Sigh. I was in a situation a few years ago where I hated everything. EVERYTHING. It all sucked and I couldn’t see a way of making any of it better. Until I did- for me, it was re-applying and switching schools/locales/etc. It was big and scary, but I said if at least two things moved from HATE list to NOT COMPLETELY HATE list, it was worth it. And in the end, it made a huge difference. I am an entirely different human being.

    So see if you can think of something that will change at least two of your hates to at least a less severe dislike. Like the others said- maybe a new doctor or apartment. Or think of something you can do in the future, and a concrete date, where at least some of these things will change. Some of it you have no control over, and most of it just sucks, but sometimes a big change is whats necessary. It can be jarring enough to smack you awake- which is what I needed.

    But hey- thanks for sharing. You were one of the main reasons I took to blogging- from the support I felt just from reading what you wrote. So please, keep venting to us, and know that it helps some of us out there, too, to know we’re not the only ones who sometimes just hate it all.

  6. Oh that’s a lot of stuff to hate, and all good reasons. I’d also like to suggest exercise – sometimes even a little bit can work wonders for things like sleep quality and depression. Maybe not enough that you can get off your meds, but it might help move you in the right direction. Definitely work on one little thing at a time, looking at the whole picture just gets so overwhelming very quickly. Hang in there – it has to get better.

  7. Hugs! It all sounds like a great big mountain of No Fun At All. Hope things get better soon, in at least one little corner…

  8. This sentence will sound ironic but I “hate” hearing you talk about how you hate everything about your life. I cried when I read this. I’ve been there. Not after I graduated but before – many of the same reasons, some different. I went home one Christmas to stay with my parents, snapped over something stupid, made my mom cry, my dad started yelling, I started packing, then for the first time ever I said out loud why should anything be good here, everything else about my life sucks why should this be different. Then I cried and talked with my mom. And got some help. You sound like me at the height of my depression. Things were bad at grad school, things were bad at my apartment with my fiance (he drank) – I had no break. Two depressed people living in the same house was not a good thing.

    I learned even though blogging was therapeutic it wasn’t enough. I “hated” it but I needed depression medication and a counselor to just talk to. The big thing was the medication. I’m still on it. I went off it for a while when I graduated to see what would happen because my living situation was better but that didn’t go very well. It’s my biology – it’s off.

    Please, please get some help. I can tell you I’ve felt like you’ve felt. Please don’t do it alone. Email me if you want to talk.

    And if you don’t like your doctor shop around. There’s nothing wrong with shopping around until you find one that works with your wants and needs. I do. And I think more people should. And I’m not just talking about for depression – I’m talking about working with your medication for your restless legs and pregnancy.

  9. I just wanted to let you know that I am sending positive thoughts and good vibes your way. I hope you have found some things that you can change for the better. I also hope that you will keep blogging if you feel that it is at all helpful for you.

  10. I am so sorry you are not feeling well.But hang in there,you have emeerged from the darkness before and you will do it again.Plz post something,anything,tell us you are alive at least!

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