I’m a little more functional today than I was yesterday–I actually came into lab today! I probably could have stayed home and nobody would have been surprised, but I decided that it would be better for me to try to be busy. Besides which, when I’m in my apt., I keep expecting to see my cat somewhere. It’s not a very big apt. and he followed me around everywhere. If I was in the living room, he was in the living room. If I was eating in the kitchen, then he was eating in the kitchen (actually a lot of times, he wouldn’t eat his dinner unless I was also eating my dinner). He also spent a great deal of time on my lap, was often on the table while I was eating breakfast, and slept in my bed next to my head at night (sometimes, he tried to sleep on my head which never worked out very well). He was a very social and spoiled cat.
His death was a complete, total surprise and I’m still not sure what happened. I think he had a heart attack or an aneurism or something because he was perfectly fine, running around, playing, etc until moments before his death when he was obviously very not fine. I’m trying very hard not to think too much about those last moments because they were horrible. The upside is that if he suffered at all it was for less than a minute. The downside is that since he was fine until that moment, I was completely unprepared and it was a shock. I always thought he would get older and slow down and I would have time to face the fact that he would not always be with me. I have no idea how old he was because I got him as an adult from the city pound. He certainly didn’t act old.
The vet also thought is was probably a heart-related problem and was going to do a post-mortem analysis to see he can determine the cause of death. On the one hand, it might be nice to know what exactly happened, on the other hand, I’m not sure what difference it would make. He’s gone and I know that there was nothing I could have done to prevent it (well, mostly I know this, there is a small part of me that worries that I somehow missed something that could have prevented this, but when I think about it reasonably, calmly, logically, I know this isn’t true). He had regular check-ups at the vet (the last one was just a couple of months ago), I fed him good quality food (expensive, organic canned food and dry food; he had very few teeth so canned food was easier to eat; also, I think he may have ate healthier than I did), and I monitored him constantly and anytime there was any change in his behavior, I took him to the vet (I think the vet may have thought I was paranoid).
I haven’t had much of a chance to feel lonely because R stayed with me all day yesterday and today I came to work. It will be hardest in the evening, I’m sure.